Disclaimer: Nothing about Utena belongs to me. It belongs to a lot of powerful corporate entities in both Japan and the US. I'm just playin', y'all. No money here. And look, free publicity for you!

This started, about two years ago, with my horror-list of an American cast of a live-action Utena movie. Brian responded with this: an American-style studio pitch. I recently relocated this and asked him for permission to post it, which he kindly granted.

Brian is a local (to the Boston area) struggling author who's ashamed to admit that if this movie actually got made, he'd pay full price to see it.

STUDIO PITCH FOR 'GENDER-AMBIGUOUS TEENS SAVE THE WORLD'

by Brian Rust


OK, I tell you, this stuff is BIG in Japan. 'Course, they've got a cartoon show with a talking poop character, too, but hey, as long as Mr. Sony's writing your checks, you know what I mean? So here are my thoughts.

De Palma's passed...too family-oriented. So Bruckheimer's our best bet. He won't climb on this without a clear-cut villain. (And maybe a few car crashes.) Piece of cake. Picture this:

The world is threatened by a super-terrorist group called The End of the World, which operates from a floating castle which hovers like an "Independence Day"-style saucer whenever we need menacing visuals to spice up the action. In fact, in the opening scene it can destroy Tokyo! This'll help the U.S. audiences realize they're the bad guys, and fulfill our mandatory Destruction of Tokyo requirement handed down in the Gojira Protocols of Sino-Hollywood crossover moviemaking. (They got really pissy after that King Kong vs. Kenshin flop, remember?)

As the adults panic and flounder (fulfilling the Adults Must Be Helpless Weenies Eclipsed by their Children requirement), the small-nosed and *hot* students at an elite private school discover that their school is built over the site of an alien base! And that furthermore, only this alien technology possesses the firepower to stop End of the World (played by Alan Rickman in a long black cape, and his three sinuous latex-bodysuited temptresses A-ko, B-ko and B-Plus-ko.)

However, only *one* student can gain fantastic superpowers and the right to ride inside the awesome giant mecha named Rose Bot. Their competitiveness surfaces, and wacky mayhem ensues!

(Note on wacky mayhem: after comparing tv ratings for Olympics fencing with ratings for "Weekly Smackdown," it has been decided to replace all swordfighting scenes with wrestling matches. Test screenings where Utena pulls a metal folding chair out of Anthy and smacks Touga over the head with it prove the merits of this small change.)

To add some emotional depth and impress the critics, we can have Utena do an Achilles (you know, the guy named after the body part?) She gets the powers but loses her friends, and after a quiet emotional scene looking in her yearbook and remembering all the happy times (get Paula Cole to write a special "Skinny Pretty White Kids Have Problems Too" song) she decides to give her powers up and try to be a normal kid again. This lasts about two-three minutes--her best pal Chu-Chu (played by Jar-Jar Binks) tries to do her job and defend the school from End of the World by running them down in a bright red convertible. Silly Gungan can't figure out how to drive, though, and winds up sitting on the hood trying to steer yelling, "Meesa bring da world revolution!" right before crashing into a wall and exploding. Powerful stuff. Utena grieves (or something) over the charred corpse and goes out and kicks ass. Roll credits, count money.

p.s. Memo from the Other Coast: Chelsea Clinton's big-time into playing Utena. Sarah Michelle's not budging, though---could we make Utena twin sisters?

A small offering of fanart from Jude: Utena and Miki

More fanart: Akio (I don't have the email at my fingertips, but will update with the wonderful person who sent it as soon as I can!)

Tell me how cool Brian is! I promise to pass on your praise.